16 November 2011

failing with faith

Mabry has been talking about wanting a baby sister a lot lately.  Sometimes it is about how Daddy really wants a brother, but she wants a sister and so I should make sure it's a sister.  Other times she tells me if I really want a baby, I should just get someone that doesn't have a Mama and Daddy.  She told me that she would tell them that we were the best Mama and Daddy in the world and not to be scared to come live at our house.  

All of this talk is unprovoked and honestly...breaks my heart.
Puddle Jumper #4

I know that my sweet girl has her heart in the right place.  I also know that she just wants the chance to be a big sister.  She feels that our family isn't complete deep down in her bones just like Dan and I do.

I wonder sometimes if there will ever be a day when I don't think about how my body has consistently failed my family.  Or if the day will come that I won't log onto Facebook or answer the phone or check my email with a heavy heart praying I don't see someone else is pregnant.
Puddle Jumper #3
Every friend and family member that has had a baby or is having a baby is a bittersweet mix of emotions for me.  Of course I am happy for them.  How could I not be?  Another life to be welcomed into the world.  It is nothing short of amazing and a miracle.  It's just after the smiles and well wishes, I go into my room and have a good cry and wallow in self pity for a little bit.
Puddle Jumper #2
I'm sick of wallowing.  I'm sick of feeling sad.  Dan and I have some big decisions to make when he comes home and no matter what we decide we need some peace.  I need some peace.
Puddle Jumper
This post isn't meant to be a downer.  I'm sorry if it is coming off that way.  I believe God has a plan for us.  This was the first topic that came to mind when I was editing these pictures tonight.

Tomorrow will be a much more upbeat post.  Cross my heart.

3 comments:

  1. I love you honey.

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  2. I am typing through tears. This whole topic has been on my heart since you first mentioned it awhile back. I can't imagine, Jess. I just can't imagine. I don't know what to say, but I know that even through all this pain and questioning and anger and discouragement, you ARE listening to Him. Keep listening. And you're so right, He does have a plan. And when you are out of this place and are able to look back, you will be able to see it's beauty. I know you already know this and it doesn't really help in the midst of this. It's so unfair. It is really just so incredibly unfair...
    ps-did you know that your email link at the top of your blog doesn't work? just fyi
    love you

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  3. I'm saying lots of prayers for you that you find the peace you need until God's plan for you comes to fruition. You are truly an AMAZING mom, and I know this only from what I see, not even what can be experienced. Please don't give up hope, your mommy journey is far from over!

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