05 June 2012

dear burrito, week 11

Dear Burrito,

I haven't done a very good job of keeping up with writing weekly letters.  Actually that is an understatement.  I have done a terrible job of writing.  As in I wrote the first letter seven weeks ago and haven't written another one since.

A lot of that has to do with the total lack of motivation I have had to do anything because I have felt terrible.  People aren't joking around when they say no two pregnancies are the same.  I have had moments where I have broken down and cried because I just want to go one afternoon where I don't feel like a gross, uncomfortable mess.

I've also spent a lot of the last seven weeks deep in worry.  Thanks to the wonderful world of cable TV shows on Discovery health and the world wide web I have heard lots of scary stories about pregnancies gone wrong.  My logical response to all of that is to set little mental goals for the two of us.  If we can just make it to six weeks then everything will be fine; at six weeks I know someone who lost their baby.  Then it became I need to make it to ten weeks because of another story I read shortly after we had passed that six week milestone.  Then 12 weeks.  Then 24 weeks.  You get the picture.

Also, I don't trust my doctor.  It is hard to when everything I have asked for has been either flatly denied or turned into some sort of uphill battle.  I'm not even going to go into the part about my medical records being all screwed up or how I am not allowed to meet the doctors who will actually deliver you until about a month before your arrival.  I have tried really hard to hand it all over to God in my mind and in my heart.  I know He has a plan; that the plan had been laid out long ago.  It is just really hard to not be in control.  Three years of waiting, hoping, crying, praying is a lot to invest and then just hand over.

I told your Aunt B, Auntie Glo and Daddy that I will allow myself to get really excited and happy about you once you are here and I know we are both safe medically speaking.  Until then, I'll try to keep the worry at a minimum and promise to avoid WebMD at all costs.

In other news, I made Daddy help me clean out the shed and bring all of the baby stuff into the house.  I know it is going to be a little while before you get here but I figured now was the time to do it.  Summers in North Carolina can be very hot and I didn't want to be stuck in the shed all afternoon in the middle of July.  So right now everything we pulled out of the shed is currently sitting in the garage in a large pile of plastic tubs.  I wonder how long it will stay there before Daddy makes me sort through it?  One thing he hates is a messy garage.  

Aunt B came down last week and I made her help me go through a bunch of your sister's old baby clothes.  Teeny tiny baby stuff makes me want to cry.  Seriously, it was adorable overload in our living room for about an hour.  I have piles of things sitting in the closet that will be your room but that is about as far as I have gotten in terms of preparing for you.

Your sister is obsessed with knowing what you are the size of.  (Currently a fig.)  She also asks every day if I can feel you move.  She thinks it is hilarious that whatever I eat you eat.  The look of horror on her face when we told her that you were currently naked was priceless.  Equally priceless was her immediate response of, "We need to get Burrito some clothes now!"  She has decided that boy or girl your name is going to be Rose.  Daddy and I have other plans, but she may end up with a little bit of a say.  She likes to talk to my belly and tells you lots of corny jokes.  She also likes to point out little babies when we are out running errands and gets really excited if there is clearly a big sister with the baby.  She has a list of all the things she wants to teach you and it just keeps growing with every passing day.

Christmas really can't come soon enough for any of us kiddo.

Love,
Mama








1 comment:

  1. i love love love the mabry / burrito stories. and i totally understand your worry, but you're so right to give it up to God. this was His baby first and He has a plan for you and Dan! i was very very stressed and worried constantly the first trimester or so, but every time i would start to worry, i immediately said a quick prayer and it really did help.

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