12 December 2012

fred day 12 and some last minute rambles

DAY 12:
Today we found Fred sitting on top of the advent house eating candy cane Hershey kisses.  Mabes was very upset by this because she thought he had stolen them from the house.  I assured her that they were probably a snack from Santa after Fred had gone to see him last night to report on her naughty/nice status.
On the way to school this morning Mabes and I were talking about all of the fun things that are going to be happening in the next week.  She knows her days of the week, but the concept of time is still a little lost on her.  Everything is calculated on how many go to sleep and wake ups it takes.  For instance her Christmas party at school is on Friday, or two go to sleep and wake ups from now.

As we were going down the list I realized that at most there are only seven more go to sleep and wake ups before Burrito will be here.  This brought a huge smile to her face and a massive panic attack right to the center of my soul as we drove down the street.

This is an interesting time inside my head right now for sure.

On one hand I am terribly excited to see this little munchkin's face.  I can't wait to be able to cuddle with her and to smell her little head.  Seriously, don't new babies smell fantastic?  I am also very excited to get to see both of my girls together.  Mabes meeting her sister for the first time after months of anticipation is a scenario I keep thinking about over and over again.  I am also curious to see if Dan will get his wish and if our little Burrito will have his dark hair and brown eyes.  Mabes had dark hair, but her eyes are blue just like mine.  I'd love to have a brown eyed girl this time around.  I also think it would be kind of funny if she was born with the same white blonde hair that I had.  One thing I really hope for (besides the healthy/happy baby part of course) is that this child has a great sense of humor.

Of course the flip side to all of that excitement, anticipation and wonder is the worry.  I am worried about things like being responsible for two little people, especially when Dan has to go away for work and it is just me that they will have to depend on.  I also worry (which is a major understatement) about the whole giving birth to the baby thing, making the right choices, worrying about a catastrophic event happening, all of the what ifs.  I have spent a good bit of time in the last few weeks preparing things around the house and writing down information and lists for Dan, just in case.

For the record I hate feeling like this.  I know I should be happy.  I know I should just be consumed with excitement.  Trust me, if it was as easy as waking up and being happy and excited I would choose that in a heartbeat.  Anxiety, especially the kind that sort of swallows you whole and then spits you back up into a big mess isn't something anyone would want to feel if they could choose not to.  One thing that seems to help me is being able to talk about it.  So thank you for letting me do that here.

Probably the only thing at this point keeping me from totally going crazy is knowing that I have one week left to feel like this.  Because one way or another whatever is going to happen is going to happen and whatever choices are going to be made will have been made and there won't be any turning back.  Physically, I will have taken the baby and I as far as I could.  Dan and I will have made all of the decisions we could.  It will be time for everything to be placed into the doctor and God's hands and whatever will happen will happen.

On the plus side I have been trying to keep myself busy, which helps distract me.  Making sure that I have stayed on top of the housework and laundry and getting the last few details of Christmas in order has been time consuming for sure.  I have also been working on things for my photography website and creating odd jobs for myself around the house when all else fails.  The next seven days are going to fly by at this rate.

I went to the gym this morning and power walked on the treadmill.  I think it would be fun for the little miss to have a 12.12.12 birthday.  I was hoping that maybe the walking would kick start something.  So far, nada.  We still have 13 1/2 hours before the day is up so there is hope.  Also, it would be great if my water broke with no real warning like it did with Mabes.  When it happens so suddenly like that there really isn't much time to freak out and worry.

Tonight is the Christmas party for Dan's work.  Everyone in his company is planning to wear an ugly sweater.  I just found out about it and took Mabes to Goodwill yesterday to see what I could find.  There were some seriously slim pickins going on.  Apparently many people have had the same ugly sweater idea going on.  We did find one for Dan that we both thought was pretty bad and then further upped the ante by sewing jingle bells to the front of it last night when we came home.  Really the only person who needed an ugly sweater was Dan but Mabes was so into the idea that she picked out sweaters for the both of us to wear as well.  Trust me, my family going to be a real sight to behold this evening.  I will take some pictures and post them tomorrow.

Maybe the Burrito is a fashionista and will bust out once she senses the ugly sweater I have taken her out in public in.  How funny would it be to go into labor in a hot pink sweater with rainbow fringe that is so big it hangs down to my knees?  Talk about an interesting start to a birth story.

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